Thank you for signing up for Digital-Detox Camp! In just a few weeks, you’ll be joining dozens of like-minded digital detoxers for seven days of technology-free, gadget-free fun. Think of it as summer camp for grownups, a breather from our tech-addicted culture, or just a final desperate attempt to stop obsessing over Facebook photos of Steve’s new fiancée.

Getting Here

The camp address will be provided forty-eight hours before departure, whispered into your ear by a passerby. We recommend using a paper map to navigate to the campgrounds, but if you must use G.P.S. please unplug the device as you approach the site. Then roll down your car window and let it tumble gently from your hands. Watch it recede into the distance in your rearview mirror, almost as though it never existed. If you need directions home at the end of your stay, a camp staffer will be happy to provide you with a wise nod and the reassurance that you already know how to find what you’re looking for.

Meals

At the camp, meals are a chance to reconnect with ourselves and with others. That means seasonal, organic food and, most important, no distractions! Rather than sitting in front of a TV or playing with your phone while you eat, you will be assigned a dining companion whose only job is to look you directly in the mouth as you chew your meal. Please alert us ahead of time if you have any dietary restrictions or allergies. We’re happy to accommodate any camper, though meat eaters will be looked down upon and not provided with any floss.

Wake-Ups

No alarm clocks here! We’ll awake every morning to a sunrise so beautiful that you’d cut off your hands to be able to Instagram it, wouldn’t you, you garbage monster?

Activities

You’ll begin each day with a guided mindfulness exercise led by Randy, who has twenty years of experience as a “marketing ninja” and just learned what mindfulness is three days ago. Then go play! The camp is set up for everything from relay races to scavenger hunts, so you can disconnect, let loose, and pray that you’re picked to be on someone’s team. Arts and crafts lovers, you’ll get to work with your hands, creating watercolor paintings and jewelry that will be lit on fire and burned to ash in front of you as a reminder that, because of your addiction to all things digital, your inner child isn’t here at this friendship-bracelet workshop, or at this six-thousand-seven-hundred-and-fifty-dollar retreat, and is, in fact, possibly gone forever. Note: art supplies must be purchased separately and are non-refundable.

Exercise

Untether yourself from your Spotify gym playlist. When you take a fitness class at Digital-Detox Camp, you’re not just exercising your body; you’re granting your mind the freedom to unplug from all that chatter and focus solely on your sweaty, contorting body in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors. Class options include Asana Through Your Existential Despair, Free Swim Out of Imposter Syndrome, and Hula Hoop Away the Life You Planned with Steve.

Belongings

Leave FOMO at the door! You’ll be assigned a locker for your phone and any other electronics upon your arrival. They’ll be returned to you immediately before your departure—your Candy Crush score a little higher than you remember and your Kindle smudged with strange fingerprints. As your car pulls through our gates and out onto the dusty dirt road, you’ll think you hear something: a voice that sounds sort of like Randy’s, soft and careful, as evanescent as the wind, imploring, “Take me with you.”